Friday, December 19, 2008

Posting Frequency Indicates What?

If you read this blog regularly, you may have noticed that the frequency of postings has tailed off considerably. So what does a waning PF indicate? It could be the sign of declining interest, or perhaps increased activity in other areas. It could reflect the exhaustion of the writer. It could also simply mean that the subject has simply become to boring to write about.

If you read this blog regularly, you may have noticed that it is a little about Mark, but mostly about the impact his little life has on all those around him. Within the family we've always been aware of that significance. It was only this summer when we really thought we were losing him, that the need to share the gift that he is became clear to me. I am Mark's father, and I am the writer.

Yesterday we loaded Mark in the van and drove him up to Bloorview Kids Rehab. He had an appointment to have six teeth pulled. Owee! I did the driving, the ramp unfolding, and the pushing of elevator buttons. Once up at the second floor I turned into a whimp and sat in the waiting room as Mom and Marky went into the chamber. I prayed for Marky as these strange people did strange and painful things to him. I can't be sure what he understands, so I insert fear where there are blanks. I was tired because I had to get up at 5 a.m. to start his morning feed. Mark is fed through a tube and it takes two and a half hours. Once up I can't go back to sleep. So in my very tired state, stressed and fearful, I prayed for peace for my son.

Although my eyes were closed, I was not asleep. Although I was in a busy waiting area, I felt very alone and the space that surrounded me seemed dark and bottomless. It was as though I were suspended in the depths, well beyond the point that the light reaches down to. I wasn't holding my breath but it felt like I was. My thoughts were troubled. I probably should have been praying for myself. I kept thinking what if they can't control the bleeding. Then I remembered a friend who was praying for us. My thoughts began to reach for the light. Then I heard him, "arrrrrrrrrrr". I opened my eyes. There in front of me was my little hero. There were no tears in his eyes. There was no bleeding. Everything was okay.

Today Mark is talking more. He's saying, "arrr eye eeee, ahh" Which loosely translated means, "love". It means I love this video I'm watching. I love my bed. I love my room. I love whoever I'm looking at. I love my music friends. I love my far away friends who pray for me. I love my nurses and my teachers, I love life.

It's impossible to imagine what is going on in Marky's head. It's nearly impossible to share it with you. Sometimes it's so simple that it defies explanation. Sometimes it's so simple that unless I slow down and spend some time here I completely miss it. I suppose it can be said that sometimes it's just for me. I sit here and watch him sleep. There is nothing more peaceful than a sleeping child. Sometimes I read to him as he sleeps. When I stop I wonder where the words went. Maybe they're in there.

As I write I wish they could be his words. I want nothing more than to share his thoughts. I want nothing more than to share the thoughts of my son. Most kids grow up and do that all by themselves. Both my daughters share their thoughts with me. I love that too. "Hey Dad, guess what"they'll say. I know I don't have to guess cuz I'm going to hear anyways. With Marky I can only guess.

There was a time when all I wanted to do was photography. Then I came to this place where all I wanted to do was be there. If I take out a camera and start observing then I won't be there anymore. Somedays I feel like that about this blog, I'm either in the moment, or I'm next to it and writing about it.

Posting frequency indicates nothing, and it indicates everything. Thanks for spending time with us.

Before I go I want to share something a friend said about Mark.

"The Lord comes with healing in his wings. Strange how that shows up. I've never met Marky but he's one of my heroes. There are places where the veil is thin and I think he peeks through to the heart of God in ways we can't."

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